The Zen of Bridge Maintenance

So many times in life someone will tell another something that they have every intention at the time to follow through with. This indicated intention builds a level of expectation, expectation only has 2 results; it happens or it doesn’t happen. In cases where it “kind of happens” or more specifically partially occurs would qualify as it did not happen, I will get into this more later. Expectation is a root of problems which would imply by the nature of tracing back that intention is the root of issues in relationships between people.

To invest interest or anxiety into a spoken intention is a fools errand, it will leave you open to a lot of misery, with very little pay off. I say this due to so many examples of so called intentions such as; “I will call you later”, “I will always be on your side”, and “Our tech support is knowledgeable and easily accessed”. These are all generic examples I am sure everyone has heard before either knowing at the time or finding out later that it never materializes into anything. More specific situations that fit to each of us individually are foundations for disappointment. These disappointments are what drive people that care away.

On the other side of the coin there is lack of appreciation. When someone does what they say they will do, it is just meeting expectation. I think this is where surprise comes in handy, don’t say “I will get you flowers today on my way home” just do it. The effect here is appreciation, without appreciation the value of the deed is degraded to simply meeting expectation, quickly forgotten by both parties, and completely overshadowed by any little thing that may be on either person’s nerves that day. These build a whole other kind of resentment that only adds to the issues found in any relationship.

When an expectation is only partially met the person attempting to meet it has failed and both people are left feeling negatively about it, E for effort is only good till 4th grade. The resulting feelings are different but related, one person is feeling let down while the other gets the sense of failure or possibly being unappreciated (for the effort). Neither of these is conducive to a working relationship, and will eventually cause it to fail miserably and/or make it miserable to endure.

I am writing this because there are so many people around me right now, that have come to me repeatedly in the last week or 2, who are having this exact problem with someone in their lives. The Someone they refer to varies; some are parents, some are children, some are spouses and others are “friends”. The relation to the person is not relevant to me, as the measurement is still the same:

Place the intentions in a list, then move them to a “Pass” or a “Fail” column based on outcome, when they are the “Kind of passed” use your own judgment (this is the path to excuses and defending the person however), I recommend placing them in the fail or leaving them out of the result columns*. If the Fails out number the Passes then perhaps you should consider leaving that “Bridge” to them for maintenance and stop worrying about it. If it’s a bridge worth having it will still be there, if not then it wasn’t important to them and you are better off. If the Pass column outnumbers the Fail, perhaps you should re-evaluate your expectations and the source of those expectations. Sometimes the happiness just isn’t there to be had, with or without a reason.

The important thing here is that you understand why you feel the way you feel and find a way to work it out so you are happy, and as a result hopefully, both people involved are better off.

Closing thought; Actions speak louder than words, Nike™ said it best: “Just Do It.” More importantly acknowledge your failures and do better next time. It doesn’t take long for the failures to outnumber the passes otherwise.

* If these are more numerous than the others you should think about that in and of it’s self.