Tab A
This week I wanted to do a series of articles with a culmination of the spewage on Friday. And you know what? It’s my article so that’s exactly what is going to happen. The series will be on everyones favorite subject: Sex. Not that kind you pervert I am referring to gender. You know; Male, Female, Boy, Girl, TabA and SlotB? Anyway if you don’t get it yet you will by the end of the week, I hope, or you may end up a topic in this column one day.
Let us begin; I want to start off with men, I am feeling hypocritical today so this one is for the ladies, and men that can laugh at themselves. Last week I received a joke email that made me laugh out loud, literally. Some guy bought his wife a Tazer™ and after some inspection concluded, “How bad can it be?” after all it was only 5” long and operated by a couple AAA batteries. Yes, that’s right folks the fact that it is designed to knock a charging bull on its ass didn’t occur to this guy until after he tested it on himself, needless to say it’s an error a guy would only make once unless he develops a major twitch and didn’t put it down fast enough. But the point is a Guy will try this and feel perfectly rational all the way up to the point where he places it to his bare flesh and pushes the little button. As stupid as it sounds I bet 90% of men would at least seriously consider doing the same thing, the whole time thinking, “I am tough I can take it.” Yes we are stupid creatures.
Men will go to work, occasionally pick up second jobs to maintain a lifestyle he believes will impress his significant other, and in a lot of cases to impress other potential significant others. The whole time not understanding why his girlie is sleeping with the pool boy… it’s because he is available Stupid! If you aren’t there to appeal to the companionship part of a relationship all you are providing is money, and let me tell you; females will happily spend it for you. Sometimes with a vengeance (we will get into why this part is messed up when I get to females). All in all though, it serves us right for relating our personal value directly to our bank account, and BMW. You reap what you sew. The worst part of this aspect of men is that they really won’t understand why she left and took half of his stuff with them… the stuff is all they knew of you, fool! So now you are out a lot of money, a lot of stuff, and thanking Rosie Palm for not leaving you too. Grats.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know to attract a partner you have to appeal to them, and most of the time it seems they are attracted to kewl stuff, well yeah aren’t we all? But let me tell you if a girl goes home with you because you have a nice car, take her home… hit that … then tell her to leave, oh and did I mention wrap that rascal? Yeah she may give you something that a brillopad won’t scrub off. Otherwise the above paragraph is where you will land I promise. Not that I think you will take that advice but I would feel really bad if I withheld it. Much like Directions, men won’t take advice from a stranger. Which leads nicely to the next point of ridicule, Stereo typing. Men are labeled this way because it’s true 80% of the time and why is it true 80% of the time? Because, guys don’t learn until they do it themselves… usually more than once. Ever seen that guy with only 3 fingers on his left hand? Yeah he couldn’t believe there wasn’t a way to stop that Skilsaw™ blade with his bare hand, even after the first attempt. If we are driving down the road and can’t seem to find the place we are looking for by turning left on the particular street, we won’t look to the other side of the road nor take the right turn instead, until we have driven down the same street 2 or 3 times. Oh, and asking someone? COMPLETELY out of the question, it’s a cliché for good reason, because it’s true 8 out of 10 times (the other 2 times he found it the first try).
A lot of guys will stop reading this, which brings me to another target. We don’t like to be told we are 1.Wrong 2.Stupid 3.lost 4.Less than Well Endowed (you guys know what I mean). However we can say any of those things about ourselves in drunken moments of truth. In our defense pretty much anything else is fair game though. These are all very deep seated insecurity issues men have, at least 80% of us and most likely 99.9% of us. The .01% being monks and what’s-his-name Bobbit, after his experience, I don’t blame him for not caring what anyone says. Telling a guy he is wrong or stupid is like telling a dog not to pee on the floor; they look at you with that “what the hell are you babbling about?” look on their face and then go about their day when you are done. And, Lost? Well that just makes a guy suddenly get real irritable, swearing he has been there before and/or knows what he is doing. And, last but most important; Endowment… Do Not Ever comment on his lower region girth unless it is to say anything from “it’s just right” to “damn that’s huge”, lest you will have a weeping child for days. And no one likes a crying man… not even those that can relate.
Closing thought;
Come on guys we are making all of us look bad, suck it up… work it out and get over the insecurity. Just tell her “We can’t afford it right now”, “I’m wrong as often as anyone else”, and “honey, could you ask this person how to get to the bake sale?” Go ahead and keep the “It’s not small, it’s underappreciated” though, cause I plan to.
Let us begin; I want to start off with men, I am feeling hypocritical today so this one is for the ladies, and men that can laugh at themselves. Last week I received a joke email that made me laugh out loud, literally. Some guy bought his wife a Tazer™ and after some inspection concluded, “How bad can it be?” after all it was only 5” long and operated by a couple AAA batteries. Yes, that’s right folks the fact that it is designed to knock a charging bull on its ass didn’t occur to this guy until after he tested it on himself, needless to say it’s an error a guy would only make once unless he develops a major twitch and didn’t put it down fast enough. But the point is a Guy will try this and feel perfectly rational all the way up to the point where he places it to his bare flesh and pushes the little button. As stupid as it sounds I bet 90% of men would at least seriously consider doing the same thing, the whole time thinking, “I am tough I can take it.” Yes we are stupid creatures.
Men will go to work, occasionally pick up second jobs to maintain a lifestyle he believes will impress his significant other, and in a lot of cases to impress other potential significant others. The whole time not understanding why his girlie is sleeping with the pool boy… it’s because he is available Stupid! If you aren’t there to appeal to the companionship part of a relationship all you are providing is money, and let me tell you; females will happily spend it for you. Sometimes with a vengeance (we will get into why this part is messed up when I get to females). All in all though, it serves us right for relating our personal value directly to our bank account, and BMW. You reap what you sew. The worst part of this aspect of men is that they really won’t understand why she left and took half of his stuff with them… the stuff is all they knew of you, fool! So now you are out a lot of money, a lot of stuff, and thanking Rosie Palm for not leaving you too. Grats.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know to attract a partner you have to appeal to them, and most of the time it seems they are attracted to kewl stuff, well yeah aren’t we all? But let me tell you if a girl goes home with you because you have a nice car, take her home… hit that … then tell her to leave, oh and did I mention wrap that rascal? Yeah she may give you something that a brillopad won’t scrub off. Otherwise the above paragraph is where you will land I promise. Not that I think you will take that advice but I would feel really bad if I withheld it. Much like Directions, men won’t take advice from a stranger. Which leads nicely to the next point of ridicule, Stereo typing. Men are labeled this way because it’s true 80% of the time and why is it true 80% of the time? Because, guys don’t learn until they do it themselves… usually more than once. Ever seen that guy with only 3 fingers on his left hand? Yeah he couldn’t believe there wasn’t a way to stop that Skilsaw™ blade with his bare hand, even after the first attempt. If we are driving down the road and can’t seem to find the place we are looking for by turning left on the particular street, we won’t look to the other side of the road nor take the right turn instead, until we have driven down the same street 2 or 3 times. Oh, and asking someone? COMPLETELY out of the question, it’s a cliché for good reason, because it’s true 8 out of 10 times (the other 2 times he found it the first try).
A lot of guys will stop reading this, which brings me to another target. We don’t like to be told we are 1.Wrong 2.Stupid 3.lost 4.Less than Well Endowed (you guys know what I mean). However we can say any of those things about ourselves in drunken moments of truth. In our defense pretty much anything else is fair game though. These are all very deep seated insecurity issues men have, at least 80% of us and most likely 99.9% of us. The .01% being monks and what’s-his-name Bobbit, after his experience, I don’t blame him for not caring what anyone says. Telling a guy he is wrong or stupid is like telling a dog not to pee on the floor; they look at you with that “what the hell are you babbling about?” look on their face and then go about their day when you are done. And, Lost? Well that just makes a guy suddenly get real irritable, swearing he has been there before and/or knows what he is doing. And, last but most important; Endowment… Do Not Ever comment on his lower region girth unless it is to say anything from “it’s just right” to “damn that’s huge”, lest you will have a weeping child for days. And no one likes a crying man… not even those that can relate.
Closing thought;
Come on guys we are making all of us look bad, suck it up… work it out and get over the insecurity. Just tell her “We can’t afford it right now”, “I’m wrong as often as anyone else”, and “honey, could you ask this person how to get to the bake sale?” Go ahead and keep the “It’s not small, it’s underappreciated” though, cause I plan to.
posted by Capt. Obvious at 6:48 AM
2 Comments:
I Love that, "It's not small it's underappreciated." that’s a freaking riot. I'm going to have to remember that right along with "I'm a janitor" when someone asks what I do. Men are dumb and prideful. But at least we are simple. Not simpletons.
heh, I don't know, 80% of men are simpelton's it all breaks down to getting laid. no matter what men are talking about it can be broken down to it's simplest terms = getting laid. 80% of the time.
Post a Comment
<< Home